Feeling flat. Sometimes Sharp. Want to be Natural

Musical Keys work in two ways. Either the non-natural notes are sharp, in G, D, A and E, for example, or they are flat as in F, Bb, Eb and Ab. I rather think life is like this at times. Some days, I'm sharp, other days flat, but rarely do I consciously feel natural

Keys have different moods. Consider the Majestic Patriotism of 'Hen Wlad fy Nhadau' in Eb Major Majestic, yes, but emotiional and heavy somehow, historically this key has had a 'divine' devotional quality. Life's been a bit E flat Major recently.

I long for the simplicity of  C Major. No sharps or flats, just dancing along the white keys, plink-plonking 'Doh-a-Deer' whilst not giving a shit about those darned accidentals.

It's the accidentals in life which cause the mood swings. The accidentally falling in love. The accidentally being a total dickhead and saying the wrong thing. The accidentally drinking/spending/eating/loving/sleeping/whatever too much.

To err is to be human, apparently, but I want less erring.

I want my life to be in C Major.
Simple.

A Cathays Love Surgery

Most  news we read is bad news, and the bad stuff we rubbish humans do to each other. However, here's some nice news.

Following a good watering session (ahem) in Cardiff last night, I was merrily walking through Cathays doing some serious air-drumming as I listened to one of my favourite bands on my Ipod. I encountered a girl crying, alone, leant against the railway wall.

I asked if she was ok, and on closer inspection saw that her nose was bleeding. Thinking the worst, I asked who'd done this to her.

"It's ok, it's ok. I get nosebleeds when I'm stressed........"

It transpired that her boyfriend had cheated on her, I saw that he was on his way over.

I had some firm words with him, to ascertain that he hadn't hit her, and I tried my best to pass on some of my wisdom, having some experience of infidelity in relationships (see earlier posts!).

I explained how infidelity tore my relationships apart, and how it's a waste of life to be in a relationship if you're being cheated on, or if you are doing the cheating. I asked them if they loved each other. He said he very much did. The look on the poor guy's face said it all. He'd clearly been weak and saw the error of his ways. I asked her if she was able to properly forgive him, as in,to leave it in the past. She said she could. 

They thanked me, sincerely, for my help and walked off into the Cathays night hand in hand. Perhaps they're arguing now, but at that moment they seemed to be able to put everything in perspective, which is often what we lack when we are involved in the perpetual tug-of-war that is a relationship.
I walked home, via a takeaway I regret, with a warm glow, proud of my new relationship-superhero status.

As Jerry Springer said, one too many times, look after yourself, and each other.

Singledom, or the road to happiness

The Lone-Toothbrush-as-singledom Metaphor

Having been in relationships for much of my life, since I was 19, I find myself in the curious position of being completely single. This is new, and frankly, terrifying.

My prior relationships came to an end because of me; my inability to acknowledge my personal problems, leading to infidelity and emotional distance from partners. This self-perpetuating cycle of gratification and self-loathing has led me to my current predicament. However, I have made a decision to be a different, better person.

Men don't like asking for help. Depression is seen as a sign of weakness, despite much being done by charities such as CALM to raise awareness of this disease in men. It's a very real problem, one exacerbated by modern life and the pressures to conform, compete, and live up to the modern ideal, which is, day by day, made all the more unreachable by an irresponsible media.

But, I have asked for help. I've been open about how I feel with those I love, and I'll soon be undertaking some counselling. It's been liberating to get it out in the open, and I urge anyone reading this who identifies with any of this, to be open about it. It's working for me.

So, 2012 will see a better me. For the first time in my life, I'm not going to rely on anyone else for my happiness. I'm learning to do things by myself and invest in friendships, new experiences and general good stuff. I'm honest about what I do and the way I feel. THIS is the way forward.

I constantly hear the terms 'my other half' or 'I'm looking for someone to make me happy'. These, I have learnt, are not healthy foundations on which to build a relationship. I want to be happy WITH someone, not BECAUSE of someone.

So, when the time is right to enter a relationship, I'll be doing it to share life's cool stuff with a special person, because let's face it, life is better shared.

A moment of warmth in the cold

The new St. David's shopping area of Cardiff was cold today. Yes, a chill is to be expected mid- february, but the frostiness of which I speak is the demeanour of the bag-laden, fake-tan sporting majority. It strikes me more and more that people are incredibly detached from the world in which they hurry through.

Having gone through some life-changes recently, I've been introspective, sometimes morose, but always striving to connect with the world I live in. I had a nice moment of connection today.

As I walked through the underpass between the St.David's building, a homeless man approached me, having been ignored by the hoard. His 'in' was the momentary eye contact we made.

His was the kind of look that could only be achieved by being genuinely homeless. A beard I could never grow: bushy, dense, ginger, wiry. Roald Dahl's 'The Twits' had nothing on this. His skin, hands and fingers were rough, weather-beaten, but strangely healthy - clearly a life outdoors affords the skin all the Vitamin D it needs.
He wore various layers of dirty clothing, mainly in dark green. I couldn't help but think that this was practical, sensible clothing for an outdoors-kind-of-guy.

"Can you spare some change for something to eat?"

I've been guilty of being cynical about the homeless before, I'm sure most people are. Our compassion and empathy for others is continually being fought for as we run the gauntlet of the modern high street; Charity 'chuggers', street vendors, Big Issue sellers, buskers (of varying degrees of musical aptitude) and our friend the honest beggar all clamour for empathy.

"Yes, I can, my friend. You can have the last of my change."

I rummaged in my wallet only to find a mere 20 pence in loose change. As I searched my pockets for more money, in vain, I asked him how he was.

"I've been better mate, to be honest."

This understatement, delivered with a subtle humour, clashed with everything around us in that moment. A man who has no roof over his head assessed his situation as "could be better". My own emotional troubles vanished in a moment as he smiled at me.

"Thank you, son, God Bless you"

I squeezed his arm, and smiled back.

"Go safely mate."

For a brief moment, it seemed the frostiness in the environs of big commerce had thawed a little.

I hope the 20pence helped him buy lunch, but I hope the warmth of our encounter fed his heart a little.
Sometimes, the greatest currency in life is a smile and reassurance from your fellow human.

Yet another blog being posted into the web-sphere. Just a way of me getting my thoughts out there, sharing some truths and being a part of my voyage of self-discovery.

That all sounds terribly indulgent and Western, doesn't it?

I'm going to remain anonymous for the time-being, while I find my feet.

More to come later.....